He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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