I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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