she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
