my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
