imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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