If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
