I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
