my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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