just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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