Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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