dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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