Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
