I looked at my own cervix.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
