just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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