Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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