I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
