you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
