I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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