I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
