the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You ruined the universe
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
