i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
