AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
