You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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