I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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