Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Randomize
