I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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