Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
