there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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