I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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