I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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