I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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