you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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