Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
