So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
