The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
