I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
