areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
