Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
