Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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