Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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