I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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