i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
