I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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