I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
