I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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