The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
