12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Is it penis luge time yet?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
