We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
