apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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