Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
