You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
