my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
