I wish you could order shots online.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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